Grief

I did the floral arrangements for my uncle Jim’s funeral in December.

“The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them. How much sorrow can I hold? That’s how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I’ll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I’ll become saccharine and won’t develop much compassion for other people’s suffering. Grief keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible.” – Francis Weller

Well, my friends, now is the part of the program where we will grieve.

I am writing on the day before the second inauguration of Donald Trump, and yes, I grieve for the death of the vision I had of my country, BUT– it’s also less abstract than that. Six of my relatives dropped their bodies in 2024, all on my mother’s side. We lost four elders and two whose lives were cut short, the tragedy of young suicide most piercing. In the last four months of the year my Mom lost her three older brothers and their tribe of six became a tribe of three, with her now the eldest of that generation. My uncles were beloved characters, each unique and yet similar, their deaths only shocking because of their proximity. I joke that my uncle John propped the door open and said, “GO GO GO!” In the middle of all of this my Mom and her husband had to put down their sweet old dog. It’s a lot.

Around me I see other folks losing people they love, dear pets, their sense of safety. My training is to be present with what we feel in our bodies, and grief is such an exquisite pain. It was Jim’s death in early December that finally broke me open, the sobs shaking my core like a hearty laugh, my grimace a huge smile as I felt deeply into the loss of his fatherly care, his warm voice and silly jokes, core memories of his love for me anchored into my raw child self. What must my cousins be feeling? I don’t even want to imagine.

Years ago I tried listening to Francis Weller’s “The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief”. It must not have been the right time, I didn’t get through it. Recently his work has resurfaced for me, appearing in a few places from different angles as if the field is saying, “remember this?”. A friend shared this interview in the Sun which is long and juicy, and this clip of  him talking with Anderson Cooper (who did a whole series of grief processing because his own shadow caught up with him) popped up somewhere else. Ok, ok, I will pull that book back out and put it in my ears!

In the meantime, this song loops in my head:

https://www.instagram.com/p/DCLLF37tJfc/?hl=en

We are not meant to do this alone. I take great comfort in knowing I can reach out in many directions and have my big feelings held while I struggle through them. It is even better to then have the capacity to hold others while they struggle through their big feelings. We are in this together, our togetherness at once the source of our most enormous joys and our most devastating sorrows; what cosmic joke is this? The biggest! So let’s laugh and cry at the same time and feel our big feelings, shall we? Big love and much gratitude from your friend in the journey. –Bevin, January 2025